There was a time when I thought how hard must it be to a Christian because of everything you must give up and sacrifice, just to believe in this thing that no one could see or even prove existed. Needless to say I am a long way from that place now. If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I would be, I wasn't thinking anything even close to where I am now. I was in a place of solid disbelief, and had no interest in GIVING UP the things in my life that I thought made me happy, to what I perceived as suffer for some imaginary God. As far as I was concerned, most of my life had been pretty crappy, and where was God when I was suffering as a result of things that were out of my control because I was a child.
The beautiful thing about God is that he NEVER gives up on us, no matter how far away we stray, or how much we think we hate him, or how much we don't believe in him. Even when we think we have cut ourselves off from him completely, He's still there.
I could have never imagined that over the course of several years that God would begin to show me how wrong I was. No matter how resistant we are to Him, He still finds a way, in spite of us even. God started on me when I had finally let my guard down just every so slightly because of the people I was around, but that was all it took.
Even water can flow through a pin hole.
I am a rather stubborn person and always have been so what may have only taken a very short time for some, took years for me. But the most important lesson that I have learned, and honestly didn't REALLY sink in until I was baptized, is that what we THINK makes us happy and what brings us joy is not the same.
And that was my biggest issue, even though I refused to allow myself to believe it.
The truth is that happiness is circumstantial, and temporary. It's measured by what is happening in your life, but Joy is what you have in spite of circumstance, no matter how good or bad things are going in your life or with the people around you.
I've spent the last 10 years growing and learning in my faith, but for some reason I still just felt like something was missing and I couldn't figure out what.
I had gotten to a point where I didn't feel like I had given up anything for what I believed, because I no longer had a desire for those things anymore. I had learned so much and was continuing to do so, I was engaging is Bible study and Sunday school, and even my own reading and study. Because lets face it I needed more proof if I was gonna believe, I mean really believe. But yet something was still missing, but what could it possibly be?
I struggled with the decision of getting baptized for several years, and now that I look back it had a lot to do with the fact that I still had some things that I was holding on to that I didn't want to "give up" even though I knew they were wrong. Then one day it was announced that a young boy in our church had confessed his faith and a desire to be baptized, and something started moving in me that day. Even though I had been going back and forth for several years about it, that week the pull became so overwhelming that I finally couldn't come up with anymore excuses or justifications to not take that step.
I really didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't until after I walked out of that water that everything I KNEW came washing over me like a flood. It was as if I had known all this information all this time, but I never let it truly be a part of who I was until now.
It was like instead of only opening a window to let God see me, I finally opened the door and let him walk in completely. And the profound difference I feel in myself is nothing like anything I have ever felt in my life. The knowing of Joy no matter how bad the storm rages around me is so much more powerful and fulfilling than any happiness that I thought I had before. And honestly I don't feel like I have lost or given up anything to have it, but I do feel like I have gained so much simply my letting go.
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